What I Have Learned From Disaster Movies

+ When you really want to get your point across, the phrase to use is "I have to do this."

+ Squatting in a building during the armageddon leads to lasting relationships with women.

+ A solid door will keep out intense heat or cold.

+ Everything important happens in the United States.

+ The likelihood of a male character being a protoganist is directly proportional to his guilt.

+ Women are never guilty of anything but loving their man.

+ Aliens code their spaceships in Visual Basic.

+ Africa and South America are the safest places on Earth.

+ Europe always gets it first.

+ Miscreant fathers make the best suicide missiles.

+ Anyone in the protagonist's family will survive.

+ Anyone who is not the main character has no family.

+ Disasters never strike a school.

+ Greedy people are specifically targetted by dinosaurs, meteors, lava, and hail.

+ A black family never survives unless Will Smith is in the picture.

+ Makeup and hair gel could survive the armageddon.

+ Cuts and bruises aren't a problem unless there's a solution nearby.

+ CGI animals prefer human meat.

+ The president is willing to fight like a common man.

+ In a real natural disaster, very few bodies will be left behind.

+ Aliens will leave a clear path to drive a truck or SUV through.

+ When an unimportant person looks out of the corner of his eye, he's five seconds from dead.

+ The death of 2 billion people in a film can be considered family entertainment. The survival of one gay character cannot.

+ Ditto for the appearance of one pastie.

+ You should believe anyone who says "Listen to me." They are always right.

+ Only one person will ever be able to predict a huge disaster. He is always an American, white, and about 40, and has a history of being wrong in the past.